Mommy, The Eternal Secrets I Would Tell You

A son’s poignant message of hope for his mom

Mommy, can you hear me? Do you recognize my voice? It is husky and muted by lack of use and ears that cannot hear the soft refrains from heaven.

Mommy, a new day is dawning when you arise from troubled sleep and stare blindly in the mirror. Bleary eyed and strands of ruffled hair that slowly turn grey. I see you and reflect back the memories of previous dawning’s.

Remember me as I skipped and danced at your side? We crossed the busy street of life together. You clutched my hand protectively and I wriggled and struggled to be free.

You knew the world was too big for me but my delusion was that I could conquer it all by myself.

I never knew how lonely it could be outside of my mother’s loving embrace.

Mommy can you hear me? My curiosity knew no bounds. It was a simple lesson of the lady bug that stood out against the green of growth with a splash of flamboyant red. It knew deep down that it could fly. I thought my wings could escape the danger that lurked in hidden places but I was small and tender. My wings were never strong enough to soar.

Mommy, I see your pain. A heart weighed down by grief and longing to hold me again. To look into my eyes as once you saw my soul in the quiet acknowledgment of who I was. That I was OK. Enough for you. Your son. Your pride.

I didn’t want for anything. You gave me life. The greatest gift. You showed me possibility. The space to dream and achieve and float on the wings of an eagle, that returns satiated to its nest high above the rooftops of mere humanity.

Mommy do you have regrets? Hindsight? Beliefs that crash against you in destructive persistence? Waves should be cleansing; their persistence a tide returning to sweep clean the debris of the ocean’s flotsam that, once abandoned on the shore, is only good for a beachcomber of possibility who seeks to resurrect the past and repurpose it to suit their desperate needs.

Mommy, my shoes are too tight. I cannot walk this way anymore. I broke a lace and they don’t fit the way we supposed they always would. I loved those shoes. So brightly coloured and unique. I felt like I could run like the wind and beat what pursued me. I am no athlete to outrun my pain and disillusion with life. Forgive me.

Better that I hide from the world in a place of safety where I will never be found. A place where even my own demons are banished in the light of divine grace and protection.

I don’t want to hurt you but this is not a battle for a mother’s love to wield her trusty sword against. The irony is the dagger would pierce my heart while trying to manipulate the failures of my perception from being.

The battle was mine alone. I chose a steed of white to carry me beyond the conflict into the breath of a new dawning. Beyond the misty shadow of the valley up to the mountain tops.

I survey the scene. The battle rages on but I am safe. I am ironically not alone. I am welcomed in a new home that one day we will all dwell in. A Kingdom of many mansions.

If it were not so I would have found a way to tell you. But for you to feel me in the breeze and the sun upon your upturned face is enough.

I will whisper my memory on your heart and thank you for understanding my parting.

Hold my hand again mommy. It is such sweet sorrow. Introduce me to your friends and laugh with me in the intimacy of our family’s camaraderie.

I cling to your hand, the fingernails the colour of a rainbow, and I shine with pride for you. I am not gone, while ever I am remembered.

I love you.

Feedback from Eli’s mom:

Heather, I am overwhelmed. I can't even come up with words that describe how that impacted my heart. So many scenes within this piece were lived out, very accurate depictions. So many of those words I have longed to hear. Thank you for taking the time to shape such a beautiful and personal piece. I am overwhelmed.

JoEllen Claypool

- Thank you to JoEllen for the privilege of allowing this message to be shared with the world.